Drunken Missions
by Ealinesse
Summary: You ever wondered why the Turks couldn't defeat Avalanche? They can't even infiltrate their own headquarters for one lousy video tape without the world crumbling down around them. Literally.
1. Treasure Hunt

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Drunken Missions,

By Ealinesse.

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DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of the Final Fantasy series - characters, items, ideas, nothing. I do not claim to. I bet when it all comes down to it, I don't even own that lousy video tape…

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Summary: You ever wondered why the Turks couldn't defeat Avalanche? They can't even infiltrate their own headquarters for one lousy video tape without the world crumbling down around them. Literally.

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Warnings: Language, Attempted Humour, Periodic OOC, Random Points of Absolute Madness... (did I mention attempted humour?)

* * * * * * * * * *

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Chapter One (of three).

* * * * * * * * * *

It was a warm, fine day. The sun was shining, the grass was green, and the air smelt of fresh daisies. And the air was actually clear… an odd bonus for the city. All the while Midgar's eight Mako reactors were buzzing happily away in the background and their workers were buzzing just as enthusiastically around them, smiling and laughing as their daily tasks were carried out.

There was something infinitely wrong with this picture.

Smiling! Ha! Now _this_ was more than he could bear.

Reno leaned forward and flicked the television off, disgusted at what he had just seen. "Bullshit," he muttered inelegantly as he sloshed his drink around in his glass. He took another swig, trying to wash the revulsion out of his mouth. "Absolute bullshit." He sat lazily backward and peered out the window.

The sickly green of the Mako streetlights illuminated the dull streets. Even so, there wasn't – and never would be - any sunlight here. That meant there was no grass, and definitely no daisies. And Sector Three was definitely no different from the rest of Midgar. He snorted in derision even as Elena picked up her glass and downed it in one gulp.

"If this is the president's latest tactic to bring the people together, he's failing. The strikers definitely aren't going to go back to work now… "

Rude, who was seated in the opposite corner with a full glass of his own, sombrely agreed.

Reno scowled at the television again before stumbling over to it and pulling the plug out of the wall. He then rather gracelessly pushed said television off its stand and onto the floor where it landed on its side with a sickening crunch. He sat where he had previously stood, not trusting his legs to support him the distance back to the couch. "No wonder Avalanche is kicking our ass," he muttered. "Who's going to believe a crock of shit like that! Who would even _think_ to come _up_ with something so… "

"Sad?"

"Got it in one, 'Laney. But who would even _think_ of something that… " Reno tried to get his brain to function, to allow his mind to form the word he knew was there. Somewhere, at least. What had Elena said? His lips began to form around the upcoming syllables but never quite got there. He gave up and took another sip.

"… Sad?" Elena offered with a sigh.

"Yup!"

"A fool," grumbled Rude, sunglasses down despite the darkness.

"Bet it was Heidegger," Elena piped in.

"Or Scarlett." Reno snickered.

There was a short silence, followed by a groan. 

"We definitely need to talk to Tseng about Rufus dropping that marketing campaign."

"…"

"Huh?"

Rude shrugged. "Do I have to repeat myself? Elena's right."

Elena's look of puzzlement faded only after she thought of an idea. "Reno, talk to Tseng tomorrow. I think I'll vomit if I have to watch that ad on the networks again."

"Ha! You think he'll listen to me?"

"… Good point. Rude?"

"…"

Elena sighed and took a hesitant sip of her second beer. It was fast going flat. She coughed lightly before placing the bottle on the small table in front of her. "Well, I guess I could always ask him."

There was an abrupt snort, followed by a sudden spray of cold liquid in her direction. Elena focussed a cold glance at Reno, who ignored the alcohol dripping down his chin, and equally so the alcohol now dripping down her own face. She wiped at the cold liquor with the sleeve of her jacket.

"What?" she growled.

"You think… he'll listen… to _me_?"

Elena blinked. She looked at Rude. He shrugged. She frowned. She looked back at Reno. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," slurred Reno, "I, uh… Do you really think he'll listen to… uh… _you_? A _rookie_!"

Elena scowled bitterly, then regained her calm. Reno could either be a really sober drunk, or a really… stupid one. Two guesses which one was his choice of the evening – he had, after all, been on pain meds for his injuries for the past week. Being doped up certainly didn't help things. And he _had_ been drinking all day…

She crossed her arms across her chest, not knowing her next words were going to be her undoing. "Well, what do you propose we do, then? Bust our way in and remove the tapes from the Shinra studio, then destroy them?"

At her words Rude showed no reaction, however Reno's expression suddenly sparked to life, and the twinkle in his eyes made her internal alarm bells go off. She watched placidly as he scrambled to his feet, and then toward his jacket in the kitchen. 

Elena stood with growing dread and grabbed for his now-adorned jacket even as he began to open the front door. "Where do you think you're going?"

The wicked gleam in Reno's eyes told her exactly what he was planning. When she didn't say anything, Reno scrambled out of her feeble grip and made his way out to the black car parked in front of the house. Realising what was happening Elena sprinted to the car and made sure the doors were locked. Belatedly, she remembered the keys were in her pockets.

When Reno began to shake the car, Elena rolled her eyes. "Have you _absolutely_ lost your _marbles_?"

Reno stopped for a second, dropped to his hands and knees on the pavement with a small grunt of pain, and began scavenging around, bottle in hand.

Elena ignored the grin plastered on Reno's face and screwed her face up in frustration. "_What_, are you _doing_?" she practically screamed.

"Trying to find my marbles," Reno said as innocently as possible. "I lost 'em… " 

Elena didn't bother to reply, but instead merely stood there. Finally Reno's search grew to a halt, and when he looked up his eyes were wide, face almost blank; expression pure as was possible. But even in the darkness she could see how the corners of his mouth were twitching, and how his shoulders were shaking with barely suppressed laughter. 

Even Rude snorted at that one; a sure sign that even the infallible bald man was well on his way to intoxication.

She sighed as Reno began to get up and pull at the car's door handle.

"Come on, Elena. I know you've got the keys. Mush!"

"Reno, I am _not_ driving you anywhere in this state!"

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are. You've drunk the least of all of us, and I'm the superior out of all of here, so-"

"Tseng is the superior, Reno."

"Ah, but I'm _second_ in command. Then Rude. Then you, also known as _the_ rookie. Now come on… "

"Reno… " she warned for the thousandth time that night.

He stared hard at her for a moment, then the bottle in his hand seemed to distract him. He took a swig then chose to stare down the bottle instead. Naturally, he won. Another swig. "Fine," he said after a moment. "I'll walk."

She sighed as he began to swagger down the street, then watched as Rude followed closely behind. "You're going with him?" she stuttered in disbelief.

"Someone needs to keep him out of trouble."

"I can't believe you two!"

"What's there to believe?" called Reno, before tripping on an object on the pavement and landing on his backside. 

"How about that you'll even get there?" Elena muttered as Reno surged to his feet again with a few choice words.

"Not even," said Reno.

And so, confused, annoyed, and more than a little worried about their sense of direction by the time they had gotten to the end of the street, Elena hopped into the car and caught up to them, winding the mirror-tinted window down when she reached the closest give way at the same time as them.

Reno, recognising the look of resignation on her face for what it was, leapt into the car. "Knew you'd come around to it sooner or later, 'Laney."

She smirked, checked the road for traffic, then U-turned abruptly. 

"Hey, where're you going!" yelled Reno from the back seat.

"Just so you know, Shinra headquarters are _this_ way, Reno," she laughed. This, after all, _did_ have the potential to be downright amusing. "At least now we know why you're always late to work, don't we?"

* * * * *

"Goddamn it, now where the hell did I put it?"

Elena sat back and watched as Reno turned his pockets inside out for the fifth time. She sighed, stepped forward and tapped him on the shoulder. She was met with the same reply she'd had the previous four times: the awfully familiar one-fingered salute, and an equally familiar phrase tossed in her general direction. She sighed again and turned to Rude.

Rude nodded, reached into his own pocket and stepped forward with his keycard and punched in a few numbers on the keypad. The door opened with a swish.

Elena watched as Reno blinked, then strode into the building with 'mission' written all over his face. She followed just behind him as he headed over to the elevator. When he seemed to realise that he needed yet another keycard to open the door to that, he simply raised his arm and clicked his finger negligently. Rude stepped forward with a little more hesitancy in his large frame this time, and was saved from having to talk when a bell sounded above the large metal doors to the elevator.

All three stepped back in unison as a rumpled Scarlett suddenly appeared through the open elevator door. The blonde Turk resisted the urge to snicker at the lipstick smeared all over Scarlett's face, and the way her usually perfect hair was matted and dishevelled. Hell, even her crimson dress appeared creased – what little there actually was of it. Shocked, Elena felt herself bite her lip in thought; Scarlet seemed to be surprised to see them. As well she should at this time of night. At work. 

At all.

For a moment, none of them talked. But then again, even an intoxicated Reno was never short of words for long.

"Scarlett," he fairly purred, and Scarlett took another step back, bringing a painted hand to her lips. Elena idly noticed that one fake painted claw was missing.

"Scarlett, Scarlett, Scarlett," Reno continued as he swayed up to her and placed an arm around her shoulders, familiar predatory grin placed on his face. "What's the matter, hun? You look like you've seen a ghost. Have you been working late at the office again?"

"I – I-" 

"Now, now, babe," Reno chastised, "there's no need for explanations. We all know that you and Heidegger must be up late working really hard on that Sister Ray project, especially with it being so close to a deadline."

Smart enough to realise a potential lie when she saw one, and quickly realising Reno was drunk, Scarlet seemed to relax a little. "Well, yes, actually. Working with Heidegger can be a hard job, he is very demanding. Though what we are working together for is going to be _very_ rewarding in the end. It's just those AVALANCHE bastards interrupt everything we strive for."

Reno, wisely, decided that this would be more rewarding should he bide his time. Scarlet was digging her own grave here. "I'll bet," was all he managed before being temporarily silenced by Elena's growing glare.

An uncomfortable silence grew over the group. Well, actually, a silence that was uncomfortable for everyone except Reno. With his arm already around Scarlett's shoulder, he decided that it would be worthwhile for him to lean further into her. He did so, and was delighted by the way she tried to shrink away from him, wary of his sudden kindness toward her. He tightened his grip on her shoulder and grinned.

"Scarlet, babe, where're you going? Don't you want to talk to us?"

Scarlet quit her struggling and scowled. "Reno, I've got to get back to work. You know how it is." Her lips formed into a small pout and she decided to play the drunk Turk for all that he was worth. This time it was Reno who wasn't buying it.

"Yeah, yeah," Reno muttered in faint disappointment, appearing for all the world as drunk as he had been before. He leered, then. "Jeez, anyone'd think you were afraid we were going to kill you."

She snorted and put a hand to her chest in mock surprise. "Am I that see through?"

"Kill you? Us?" Reno feigned mock disbelief, ignoring the urge to comment on her semi-transparent dress in regards to her previous words. "Never. We just want a little… basic information."

Scarlett narrowed her eyes then, and Elena wondered whether the lashes would stick together with all the makeup that was coated onto them. "What kind of information?"

"Oh, just a little info, goss, office chitter-chatter, rumours, the usual bullshit."

"Such as… "

"The name of the person who instigated the new advertising scheme."

By the look on her face, this was clearly not the kind of information Scarlett had thought they were talking about. "Sorry?"

"You heard me. We want to know who developed it."

"Why?"

Reno grinned. "We wish to congratulate them… somewhat personally."

At this Scarlett frowned, but said nothing. After a moment she shrugged, expression carefully blank. "I've no idea. Really. Perhaps it was the president himself?"

Reno snorted. "Something makes me think not. Rufus's usual ideas don't seem to boast sunshine and lollypops."

The rumpled blonde pursed her lips and raised a delicate eyebrow, eyes twinkling. "Well that's all I can think of." She paused for a moment, then the pager in her hand went off. She scowled and made a show of examining the number impatiently. When she was done with her theatrics, she shrugged off Reno's arm and headed past them for the door. "Now if you don't mind, I've got to go. I'm meeting Heidegger at the Bluestone Inn in half an hour and I've got to change out of my office clothes."

As the blonde began to walk away the group of Turks followed her every move, choosing not to comment on how the back of her dress was tucked rather inelegantly into her underwear. Or her rather skimpy choice of 'office' clothes.

Seeing how quickly Scarlett was hurrying away from them, Reno grinned. "Scarlett, babe?" he slurred deliberately.

An exaggerated sigh echoed through the Shinra lobby. "Yes, Reno?"

"Are you _sure_ you don't know anything about it?"

"_No_, Reno, I _don't_." Scarlett turned to face them, her head cocked slightly to the side. "Why do you keep asking?"

"Oh, no reason," Reno shrugged, all traces of his previous drunkenness gone. "I just figured since you sleep around a lot you'd know _something_ about what's going on."

The words were said in such an ordinary conversational tone that it took a second for all of them to click. Elena flinched, knowing what would be coming. A flurry of expressions flickered across Scarlett's face before her smudged complexion melted into that of cold fury. Even Rude;s expression visibly change. 

"For your information I do _not_ sleep around!" Scarlett snapped indignantly.

"Fine then." Reno waved a negligent hand in the air, back straight, face calm. "Fuck around, screw around, make love, fall in love with different people on a nightly basis for five minutes at a time, have three short term relationships a day." He shrugged. "What. _Ever_."

Scarlett's face reddened as she turned on her heel and began striding away. "I'm going to report you to Tseng, Reno! You shouldn't even be here!"

Reno's feral grin widened. "Only if I can submit the infirmary's bedsheets to Rufus for evidence against you and Heidegger. I'm sure he'd love to find out why more sheets are discarded daily than our average amount of patients."

Scarlett paused as if she were going to say something, then seemed to think better of it. With a last shriek of anger and a whoosh of the electronic doors, she left, and all fell eerily silent. For a moment, at least.

Elena sighed. "Did you really have to do that?"

Reno turned to face his partners, complacent. "By now even _you_ should know the answer to that one."

Elena smirked and followed the two into the empty elevator. "And I should have known that was coming."

* * * * *

Elena looked at the fourth sign that decorated the simple corridors with confusion. So far none of the signs had said anything about a broadcasting studio begin nearby, and the only place they seemed to be going was to Hojo's lab. She suppressed a shudder. "Reno, are you sure you know where the Shinra broadcasting studio is? The sign back there said something entirely different."

Reno stopped in his tracks. "There's signs?" he asked, expression puzzled.

"Reno! You're leading us on a wild goose chase!"

Reno snorted and his previous expression melted away at Elena's shock. "Okay, okay," he laughed. "I know where we're going. Just trust me."

The trio walked a while further until they rounded a corner at the end. Elena was about to comment on the sign she had just seen again, when she caught sight of the guards sitting at the end of the hallway and stopped dead. "What do we do," she whispered as the two men at the end stood to meet them. "We don't have clearance for this area right now…"

Elena tried desperately not to notice the almost imperceptible gaze that Rude and Reno cast at each other. However she couldn't ignore it any more when the two simply walked toward the guards on duty. 

When the sinister look on Reno's face was recognised by the two, the guards visibly began clambering for their weapons, but before they could even so much as open their mouths Rude and Reno had rapped the two soundly on the head with their weapons. The two blue-suited guards fell to the floor without so much as a sound. Reno crouched beside them and waved a hand in front of their faces.

"Lights out, nobody home," he grinned.

"I'm not even going to ask," Elena muttered, rubbing a hand wearily across her face.

"So don't," Reno replied smugly, clapping his hands together as if they were covered in dust as he stood and made his way to the door just past the fallen guards. Elena, confused as to Reno's previous comment only just realised what he'd thought she'd been talking about when she caught sight of the cylindrical weapon swinging in his hand.

Elena blinked at the nightstick, a small frown furrowing her forehead. "I thought Rufus and Tseng confiscated that off you because they didn't want you back on duty for three weeks."

"They did," Reno replied rather smugly.

"And so how do you have it now?" Elena asked suspiciously.

Reno grinned. Shrugged. Otherwise attempted to look innocent whilst standing by the two men he shouldn't have knocked out, whilst holding the weapon he wasn't supposed to have for another week, whilst standing in the corridor to a section of the Shinra Headquarters to which he didn't usually have security clearance. "So I got it back a little early," he said simply.

"_How_?"

"Elena, enough questions. If you like I'll tell you the story when we get back. But for now is it enough to know that it's definitely _not_ a nightstick in that paper bag in Tseng's cabinet?"

"Reno!" Elena visibly blushed, and Rude smirked. 

"What? Serves Tseng right for confiscating one of my hard-earned weapons."

"Reno, you stole it from the munitions chamber, remember? You haven't paid for a decent weapon in your life."

There was a tired sigh. "Do you _have_ to take the fun out of everything, Elena?"

This time it was Elena's turn to grin. "I try."

They made their way through to the end of the corridor without incident – and though it was only about six feet away Elena somehow felt that it was a very big accomplishment whilst having Reno with her. However it was when they reached a door that distinctly read 'Laboratory' in bold black letters that Elena realised that something was soon going to happen whether she wanted it to or not.

"Reno, we don't have a key card," she tried. "We can't-"

"Hojo!"

Elena took a wary step backward as Reno began to bang on the door. She cast a sidelong glance at Rude, but he didn't seem to be too worried. She curbed her nervousness and wrung her hands together. Since her earlier Mako infusions she had made no plans to pay any more visits to the mad scientist that resided inside.

"Hojo, I know you're in there! Open the goddamned door!"

"Reno, are you sure we're in the right place? This is the labs, not the-"

"Hojo open this door right now or I'll tell Rufus about the specimen prototypes you import at night!"

From inside the room came a loud cluttering, following by the sound of nasal cursing. After a long moment the door opened slightly, bloodshot eyes weepy behind thick glasses from overexposure to the darkness sweeping over the three of them with contempt. 

"What do you want." A statement. No a question. Elena frowned.

"Just entrance to the Broadcasting station, Hojo, my scary little man. Nothing major."

The door closed a little. "I'm busy. I can't let you in."

Reno assumed a careless look and put his foot between the door and the jamb. "Hojo, for the last time I don't give a shit what kind of specimens you're working on – and yes, we all know that you _do_ work with live specimens instead of lab rats – we just want to go through your little corridor and into the door at the end. The Shinra Broadcasting Network."

"And I told you, Turk, I can't let you in."

"And why not?"

"I'm working on-"

"Specimens. Yes, I know," Reno smirked.

Hojo scowled, his pale face twisted and waxy in complexion. "I must get back to work."

"And you can _get_ back to work after you've let us in."

There was a pause, and the door opened just a fraction more. "You're very annoying, do you know that, Turk?"

"And you're an impossible anal-retentive scientist with dreams of grandeur that can be lived only through the funding of the president. However, I can get that funding cut if I tell them about the specimens I found _last_ time I was here, can't I? We all know what you really use all that money for, don't we, Hojo?"

"… Probably." 

Elena didn't like the smile that was forming on Hojo's face.

"So we agree that you should let me in," Reno continued.

Hojo rarely looked surprised, however he did pause for a moment. "Didn't your superiors ever tell you that intimidation is the worst method of interrogation?"

"Yes. However I find that I've been able to tune it into a precise little art. Now let me in."

"Turk, your methods won't work on me."

"They worked on Scarlett."

"Scarlett is a slow-minded little prat with a forked tongue and a small waist that she paid me to carve for her, which, I might add, is completely inproportionate to her breasts that may as well have been infused with Mako. I fail to understand how she is still employed here."

"Because she's voted in by all the people she sleeps with, which is at least a third of the building. Good, I'm overjoyed that we at least agree on something." Reno tapped his free foot, expression quickly growing bored. "Come on, Hojo."

There came an impatient sigh. "Why do you want in there."

Reno grinned. "Ah, progress," he fairly drawled. "Do you watch the networks?"

"I fail to see the point in such an activity, but occasionally."

"You're familiar with Rufus's new tactics for promoting Midgar?"

The scowl on Hojo's face deepened. "I assume you're talking about the advertisement where the daisies grow away from the sun, which is in totally the wrong vicinity of the sky for the time of day, where the Mako reactors don't pollute the environment. Need I mention that the employees aren't wearing gas masks to protect themselves from the fumes?"

Reno's grin widened. "That's the one."

"And what does that have to do with three Turks?"

Reno leaned forward, eyes narrowed to mere slits as he offered a conspiratory wink. "Basically, we're here to destroy it."

"Ah," Hojo said after a while, a calculating smile forming across his face. It looked like the scientist was going to slam the door in their faces for a moment, but Elena was surprised when instead, the door was opened wide. Hojo took a deliberate step backward. "Why didn't you say so in the beginning, Turk, I would have let you in straight away. The futile inaccuracies in that pathetic video make me shudder, and I-"

"Fail to see the point. I know," Reno said as he stepped in, taking a quick look around before heading down the side corridor. "Don't worry Hojo, we won't tell them about the specimens, as long as you don't tell them about this."

"Agreed. Now hurry up and get out of my lab, I've got work to do."

* * * * *

Elena was not sure what she had been expecting the Shinra Broadcasting Studio to look like – hell, she still half-expected Reno to be leading them around in circles – but the huge monstrosity of computers and shelves crammed inside an equally large warehouse was definitely not it. She felt her blood run cold as she took in the discord of shelves that held row after row of cassettes, and the lengthy tables that held panel after panel of monitors, hard drives, and seemingly infinite buttons.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," she whispered in shock, realising this place just screamed trouble. "Reno this is going to take hours to search! The guards'll come back before we even make a dent in this place!"

But all that Reno offered her was a crooked grin. "Well then I guess we'd better get started, hadn't we? Wouldn't want to have to spend the night here, after all. Oh, and don't worry, Elena, the guards to this part of the building don't come back on duty until six." Reno made a show of inspecting his watch in the dim half-light of the room. "And since it's only one right now, that gives us about… oh, you know, plenty of time. Get digging or you just know I'll give you a copy of the damn tape for Christmas!"

Elena, muttering selective phrases under her breath, followed the redheaded Turk as he disappeared in amongst the shelves. The sooner they found the damned tape, the sooner they could leave.

* * * * *

Two hours and forty-one minutes later Elena allowed her legs unhinge at the knees as she sat down bonelessly on the cold linoleum floor. They'd searched every possible name, under every possible category for the stupid tape. They'd even searched through the numbered section, and in a moment of utmost insanity, begun instead searching alphabetically for it. They had found old records, old network programs dating back decades - even recordings of Rufus preaching to himself when he'd thought no cameras were around - but no tape.

She sighed and sat back on the heels of her hands. "So much for getting this done tonight, we haven't even scratched the surface."

"Do you want to have to watch that stupid ad again," Reno growled as he shuffled mechanically along the aisle, jaw set, patience waning. Reno had been the only one to continue searching, however sporadically, and though even his resolve had to be fading, he had still yet to give up.

Elena bit back a grin. "You won't even have to, you did smash your television before we left."

"I can get another one. Besides, I'm sure that everyone else is just as disappointed about it as I am. I know the Shinra can be low, but that's pushing it. It's the principal as much as anything. That ad is no substitute for a good old group assassination, and you know it."

"Developing a sense of moral, Reno?"

"Oh, bite me, Elena. Why should I make sense if I don't have to?"

It was another five minutes before Reno spoke again, and this time his voice was loud and cold. Not being able to see him for all the shelves in the way, the yell was the only warning she got before a low rumbling filled the corridor, followed by a severe ground quake. Elena had spent enough time in Reno's company to know that such an occurrence whilst with the redheaded Turk was never a coincidence. Nor was it ever natural.

Hoping like hell that two hands covering her head would be enough to keep her brains intact as it began to literally rain cassette tapes, Elena wondered idly how she had ever been stupid enough to follow Reno in the first place.

* * * * *

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Well, there's the end to the first chapter. I know, I know… Kind of a random place to end it, huh? But the next part will be out in a couple of days. Any comments? Criticism? Abuse? Feel free to tell me what you think. ^_^


	2. Dominoes

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Drunken Missions,

By Ealinesse.

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DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of the Final Fantasy series - characters, items, ideas, nothing. I do not claim to. I bet when it all comes down to it, I don't even own that lousy video tape…

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Summary: You ever wondered why the Turks couldn't defeat Avalanche? They can't even infiltrate their own headquarters for one lousy video tape without the world crumbling down around them. Literally.

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Warnings: Language, Attempted Humour, Periodic OOC, Random Points of Absolute Madness... (did I mention attempted humour?)

* * * * * * * * * *

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Chapter Two (of three).

* * * * * * * * * *

Elena moaned as she crawled her way back to consciousness and made an attempt to grab at her aching head, only to find her movements hindered by thousands of tiny rectangular objects. Doubling her meagre efforts, the blonde finally managed to reach her destination, but only after more of the small objects had been pushed off her head. Finding now that it was possible to see without a pile of endless clutter, Elena opted for a look around to sate her confusion.

"What the hell… " she whispered as she sat up, pushing back a wave of dizziness, finding herself faced with something much resembling the present state of Reno's apartment. Except Reno's apartment wasn't filled with little black squares, but empty beer bottles. And even Reno didn't have the stupidity to arrange shelves horizontally instead of vertically – that would mean he'd have to bend over to pick up the objects on them, and Leviathan forbid Reno doing anything that required effort…

Elena felt her eyes unconsciously narrow at her wandering thoughts, and dragged herself back to the issue at hand. Perhaps she'd been hit on the head harder than she'd thought. After all, it wasn't everyday one woke up amongst of a pile of squares. Then again, the fact that she was dreaming was always a possibility…

Biting back her confusion for a moment longer, Elena picked up one of the small items and inspected it more closely in the dim lighting. Her eyes narrowed further to that of a squint. Cassette tapes. Thick ones used for heavy recording and multiple playbacks. Now just why did something so random sound so familiar? And what was she doing lying in a room full of them? She tried hard to grasp onto the memory, but felt it dance just out of her reach. She tried harder. She still failed.

In a last ditch effort to figure out why she was suddenly alone in amongst a pile of video cassettes, Elena started tapping her head with the tape in hand in an effort to jump start her memory. Almost unconsciously her spare hand began rubbing at her temples to rid herself of the headache forming in the base of her skull. 

It was then that the voice came out of the silence. "Elena… "

"I'm busy," she replied tersely, not giving the speaker so much as a second thought.

There came a loud snort from somewhere in the room. "Telekinesis doesn't work on video tapes, you know, 'Laney. I know you're as desperate to find the bloody thing as I am, but trust me, it's not going to talk. It's like interrogating Scarlett, only smarter. Quieter. And did I mention better looking."

Elena blinked at the familiar arrogance in the voice, and the way it seemed to echo around the room. Though were it was coming from was a mystery. Were the walls speaking to her? "Where are you?" she asked belatedly.

There was a pause followed by a low chuckle. "Uh, behind you?"

Ever so slowly, Elena twisted herself in the rubble only to be met with a distinctly familiar face. Instantly memory slammed back into her, her mind finding purchase on sanity, and she groaned not so much from the pain in her head, but at the mortification of the situation she now found herself in. "Oh… "

"Don't sound so happy to see me," Reno said as he picked his way over the pile of rubble to the blonde beyond. "You sound as if you wished that I'd been hurt in that mess."

"Do I?" she countered absently, wondering why her mind suddenly couldn't form more than two words at a time. "Oh."

"Come on, get up."

Elena took the offered hand and stood up on wobbly legs, Reno keeping her steady until they made it to the other side of the room, where, it seemed, there was blank space. Seemingly satisfied that Elena could now stand on her own two feet, Reno let go of her elbow and glanced around the room. 

Elena followed his gaze. They were closest to the door they'd entered from, and only the aisle where the main computer control panel was located was uncovered by the mess. It seemed that when Reno had kicked the first shelf and it had tipped, it had knocked over the next one, and the next one, right until all in its path had been bowled over, their contents strewn all over the floor, the entire way across the room. Consequently, since they'd been back toward the start of the room when Reno had kicked the shelves, all had fallen, and if not so by the kick, then by the quake it had inadvertently created. From behind her the redhead let out a low whistle of admiration at the unintentional catastrophe he'd created, and Elena herself felt an odd sense of appreciation. The accidental job of destruction had certainly not been a half-assed one.

All was silent for a moment until Reno's expression darkened. "We'll never find the bloody tape now!"

"Nope," Elena muttered a little too happily, her voice feeling oddly distant in her own ears, her head pounding. "That means no more looking. It all fell just like dominoes. Home we go."

Reno, who usually wouldn't pay any attention to such a remark, seemed to notice the airy way in which his partner was speaking. Without thought he turned to face Elena, wincing as he saw the bump beginning to form on her forehead.

"Elena?" he asked, taking a wary step toward the blonde. When she didn't answer, he waved a hand in front of her face, which was swatted at rather ineffectually with a rather uncoordinated attempt at retaliation. 

"'Laney?"

This time Elena looked up at Reno, her movements appearing to almost be in slow motion. Noticing the glazed look in her eyes for what it was, he mouthed the word 'concussion' to his partner, complete with 'cuckoo' gesture and a roll of the eyes. He then turned his attention back to the woman in front of him.

"Elena?"

Elena merely stared back at him.

"… Rookie?"

"… What?"

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

There was a moment's silence. Then, "That depends on what hand you're talking about, Reno. Be fair."

Reno sighed and proceeded to wave his hand in front of the blonde's face, but he stopped short when her expression changed swiftly from one of confusion to one of helpless laughter. 

"What is it now, Elena?"

"Y-your face!"

"What about my face."

"It's square!"

Reno couldn't stop himself. He blinked. The woman was making absolutely no sense, and he was beginning to regret dragging her along. If he ended up carrying her out of here because she passed out, he wasn't going to be a very happy man.

However to Elena, her most recent words made perfect sense. A mark on Reno's face, which was wavering in and out of her vision due to the three hands that Reno was ridiculously waving in front of her, was beginning to appear. She couldn't quite make it all out, but it even appeared there was the beginning of some text there, too. Now she knew she definitely wasn't hallucinating. She would never have imagined that Reno would have a stamp on his face. A room of squares after being hit on the head, maybe, but never a Reno with a square face…

Or perhaps she just had the idea of squares stuck in her head. Leviathan only knew she was going to be dreaming about them for weeks, not to mention have them burnt onto her retinas for the next few days like the spots you got when you looked directly at the sun…

"My face is not square, Elena," Reno muttered tiredly, suddenly feeling way too sober.

"Half of it is."

This time Reno refused to answer, and turned his gaze back to the mess he'd made, unconsciously rubbing the side of his aching face where he'd been flattened and bombarded by falling cassette tapes. There was definitely going to be a bruise there tomorrow, especially if the tape he had landed on had anything to say about it.

Reno jumped as a hand landed on his shoulder. Unable to ignore the firm grip on already pinched nerves, Reno turned on his heel to question the contact. Expecting to turn around and glance into the dark glasses of his partner, he was surprised to instead come face to face with his own reflection. Reno, feeling like he was blinking too much in confusion at the moment, did so again, wondering just where in the hell his partner had found a mirror.

Reno pushed Rude's hand away and looked up, trying to gauge an expression through the mirrored lenses. "Jeez, Rude, never knew you were so vain."

The mirror was thrust in front of his face again, and the redhead sighed. Why couldn't Rude just talk? Reno decided to humour the bald Turk, and looked into the pocket-sized mirror. Adjusting it just right, he was not prepared for what he saw. He took a wary step back, his face paling so that the marking on his face became even more distinct.

Seeing the reaction, Rude removed the mirror, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"My face…"

"Is square," Elena finished for him, giggling.

"It's not square! It's just-"

"Got a bruise on it that's going to be square - or slightly rectangular - whichever one you prefer. Either way, it's going to be a beauty."

"Rude," Reno growled at the remark.

"And if you look closer you can even see the small circles where the reel is," Elena cut in again, swaying faintly as she stepped up beside Rude on wavering legs. "Very stylish the way it circles your eye. Kind of like a panda… only square."

Reno, still horrified at the bruise forming on his face, scowled. "Shut up! Both of you!"

"Why?"

"Rude, this is not the best time to develop linguistic skills…"

"Why?" Elena piped up as Rude's mouth snapped close.

"Elena…"

"…Sorry." However the look on the blonde's face told him she was everything but.

With a growl of annoyance Reno again swept his eyes over the room. Well, there was certainly no covering _that_ mess, he decided. Though they certainly didn't have to be here when everyone else found out about it. If no one knew, then they couldn't blame him. Although the very coincidental bruise forming on his face could be very tricky indeed. Perhaps if he just swept some hair over it, and wore his glasses for a change…

Suddenly this mission wasn't so fun after all. It wasn't often that prospective evidence against you for a crime literally jumped up and smacked you in the face. Absently, he ran his hand over his rapidly bruising face. He sighed ruefully. This trip was supposed to be _fun_, not bloody-well life threatening!

"Well, put it this way," came a high-pitched voice from behind him, and Reno realised Elena must have heard his frustrated expulsion of breath. "We don't have to search for that stupid tape anymore!"

Reno's eyes widened. In all the chaos that had just ensued, he'd forgotten about their main reason for being here. He felt a sudden cold rage fill him as he looked over the room, and a great urge to throw - or kick - something very hard struck him. Before he had the chance, though, there was an amused snort from behind him. Reno turned to face Rude, only to find that the bald Turk had shifted from his previous spot, and was now standing stoically beside a point at the rather extensive control panel. The corners of his mouth were quirked slightly upward.

Reno scowled. "_What_ is so funny?"

"I think Elena may be wrong, after all."

With those words, the bald Turk suddenly had Reno's undivided attention. Reno watched as he pointed to a spot amidst the cluttered control panel laden with buttons. "You're kidding me," he muttered. "We searched through all of that junk, and it was right here all along."

"Want me to read the label to prove it?"

Elena stepped up to stand beside Rude. Leaning over slightly, Reno watched as she peered at what must have been the tape's label. "Interesting," the blonde mused out loud. "Never knew he had it in him."

"What's interesting?" Reno asked wearily, sick of being the last one in the loop of knowledge to know anything, despite this whole venture being his idea.

"You'll never guess what it's called."

"What?"

"Advertising Scheme, zero-zero-two: Sunshine and lollypops."

For the second time that minute, Reno allowed his eyes to widen. Though this time it wasn't so much in surprise, as in bafflement at the contorted expression that had suddenly dominated Elena's face. As Elena menacingly began to advance on him, he took a step backward. "Elena?" he asked warily. Something was definitely not right with the rookie right now.

"_You_," the blonde spat. "It was _you_ who designed the new scheme, wasn't it! Sunshine and lollypops, ay, wasn't that what you said before about Rufus?"

Reno frowned in confusion, his happiness at finding the tape hindered by the rather frightening look on Elena's face. "What the fuck are you on about, 'Laney? Why would I be here trying to destroy it if I did?"

Elena's visibly glazed eyes narrowed to the extent that the hazel orbs were barely able to be seen in the dim lighting. "Don't lie to me, Reno, and don't play stupid." Her hands came up threateningly, and it looked like she were tossing up whether to give him another black eye, or strangle him.

"What _are_ you on about? I think that hit to the head took you a little way beyond sane, Elena." Reno took another step backward, ready to dart to the side just in case Elena made a dive for him, but overestimated the distance from his raised foot to the ground. Normally, such a thing wouldn't have been a problem. But as of late, things had been far from normal, and as Tseng had told him earlier as he'd been debriefed as to his replacement in the Turks, he didn't currently possess all of his 'faculties'. 

As he placed his foot on the 'floor', something slipped out from underneath him, and suddenly he was reeling backwards. All-too soon he felt his already sore backside hit the ground, and he let out and audible hiss of pain, quite content to allow himself to wallow in his own misery for a while. That was, of course, until something landed heavily across his legs.

Reno opened eyes he hadn't realised he'd closed, and stared blankly at the blonde figure strewn bonelessly over his ankles. Slightly confused, he raised his eyes and met Rude's steady gaze with a questioning expression. When he received no answer, Reno merely sighed. "Thanks," he muttered. "Remind me to never let her get concussed again. What the fuck was that all about?"

"You said it yourself. She's concussed." A hand was placed in his direct line of vision, and Reno pushed the body of the limp blonde off of his legs and took the offered help, ignoring the dull throbbing of his healing injuries as they protested even that small movement. When he was safely on his feet, he looked down at Elena. "You didn't hit her too hard, did you?"

"Not on the head; struck a nerve. She won't be out for long."

Reno moved over to the control panel at the answer, and inspected the tape which he could now see was sitting in what looked like an editing device on the bench. He frowned, and leaned forward to inspect the label, finding Rude and Elena's earlier readings to be correct. With a whole knew kind of puzzlement, he plonked himself down on a swivel-chair resting beside the table. Yet another twinge of pain ran through him as his backside connected with the usually soft, not to mention comfortable, seating. He groaned and placed a hand on his lower back.

"I hope the bruise on my ass isn't going to be as big as the one on my face."

Rude snorted. "You sat on a tape?"

"I _fell_ on a tape," Reno uttered indignantly. "Just like those stupid tapes _fell_ on my head."

There was no answer, and truthfully Reno had not expected one. Instead of mulling over his partner's seemingly developing social skills, Reno focussed on the tape, and began looking around from an eject button. When he found none, he scowled. All the buttons seemed to be colour-coded somehow. There were no labels - a pretty stupid thing as far as he was concerned - and therefore no conceivable way to remove the tape.

He was beginning to _hate_ the very idea of sunshine and lollypops.

"Shit."

Rude stepped up beside him. "What."

"No labels."

"No instruction manuals?"

"Since when would I care even if there was one?"

"… "

The two sat there for a moment, before Reno grew tired of staring at what was nothing but an attempt to confuse the hell out of him. Colour-coding meant secrets, and secrets meant questions, and questions _without_ answers meant authority. And Reno _hated_ authority more than that damned advert. Closing his eyes and biting his lip, Reno lifted his arm and twirled it around dramatically in the air for a moment, before reaching down with lightening speed and punching a random button. He opened his eyes expectantly, suddenly not caring that he'd accidentally pushed more than one button in his attempt to remove the tape, as with a small beep and a flicker of small display lights on the panel, the tape popped out. 

Reno snorted. So much for secrets. "Mission accomplished!"

"How did you know what button to push?"

Reno grinned. "I didn't."

"… I should have known. So what do we do with it now? Destroy it here?"

"I'm not sure," he said, looking at the tape in his hand thoughtfully. "It probably wouldn't be very smart to destroy it here. If we were caught and someone found out, it would be too easy for them to guess what was missing. It was in the editing box, after all. I think we should just take it home and torture the living hell out of it. No one would think to search my apartment if we can get out of here without being seen."

"No one would even _want_ to search your apartment with the state it's in."

Reno's grin only widened, and he placed the small recording tape in his jacket pocket. He turned to face Elena, who was still dead to the world. He smirked. "You know, I'm beginning to understand why Tseng hired her now."

"Why?"

"Because she is one scary-looking rookie when she is mad!"

Rude raised an eyebrow, and shrugged. "It's not like she would have been able to hurt you," he replied. "She would never have known which one of the three of you to strangle."

Reno blinked. "Did you just make a joke?" he asked incredulously. "A _verbal_ one?"

Rude shrugged.

Reno blinked again. "You know what?" He watched as Rude raised an expectant eyebrow. "Given the situation, I'm going to let that one pass."

Rude's only answer was to shrug again, and he was saved from having to speak when a soft groan filtered through the silence. The two turned to face the figure on the ground, and watched as hazy chocolate eyes opened to stare dully at them.

"Wha…"

Reno watched as Rude stepped over to the blonde and helped her up. Elena seemed to teeter on her feet for a moment before righting herself and stumbling over to the control panel, where she turned around and leaned heavily on it, rubbing confusedly at the back of her neck. "What hit me?" she muttered.

Reno snorted before Rude had the chance to answer. "Take your pick," he answered, and pointed at the same time to Rude, who was looking vaguely contrite, and to the room full of video tapes. He took great delight in the expression on the blonde's face, as it went from slight bafflement to all-out mystification. _That'll teach her for trying to strangle me,_ he thought.

"Reno, what are you talking about?" she asked slowly, surveying the damage she had somehow missed. "Where are we?"

"You don't remember?"

Elena frowned in concentration. "The last thing I remember… is you sitting on the pavement looking around for something, laughing. No, wait! I remember Scarlett walking away with her dress tucked into her undies… And Hojo letting you into his labs." Her frown deepened and she shook her head. "No, wait. Nevermind. I guess that was all a dream. But-"

Even Rude seemed amused at this. "It wasn't a dream, Elena," he said simply.

The blonde looked up at them both in turn with wide eyes. "But we're supposed to be at your apartment!"

"Were," said Reno.

"So… are we at HQ now? I don't think I've ever seen this place before… "

"We're in the Shinra Broadcasting Studio. Just beyond Hojo's lab. That sound familiar?"

"Uh… what if I said no?"

"Then I'd say you've missed out on a lot of strange things."

Elena shook her head again, but stopped when a loud ringing in her ears made the mere movement unbearable. She shifted her hand to the top of her head and found a large bump. "If seeing you dance around on the pavement like a chicken isn't strange, Reno, then I don't know what is."

"What about if I told you we just played the largest game of dominoes in Shinra history?"

"Then this time I would believe you," she muttered, her expression no less puzzled. "But why are we even here?"

Reno glanced at Rude, then patted his pocket where the tape was concealed. "Sunshine and lollypops, babe."

"… Sunshine and lollypops? I have the feeling you aren't going to tell me, are you, Reno?"

Reno grinned. "Later. First we get out of here and destroy this tape."

"… We're on a mission?"

"You could say that. But first of all, let me say this. We are going to have a _long_ talk later about trying to strangle your Superior Officers, not to mention about buying you a helmet."

"Huh?"

This time it was Rude's turn to answer, and even he couldn't keep the tiny smirk off his face at Elena's distant expression. She was obviously still dazed, and Reno's tiny mind game had only made things worse. "Come on, Elena," he said, grabbing her elbow as Reno began to walk away. "We'll explain things later."

* * * * *

"… And we're here to destroy this tape? We infiltrated our own base just for an ad?" Elena asked, her expression one of puzzlement. "Why?"

"Because it's evil."

"How can sunshine and lollypops be evil?"

"Because the Shinra designed these ones, and you know that everything Shinra creates is evil."

"But-"

"Enough, Elena! I said I'd explain it later!" Reno glanced back at Rude over his shoulder. "See? You've taken all the fun out of it! Now we'll never get her to shut the hell up!"

"That's not true," muttered Elena indignantly, pouting. "If you'd answer my questions then maybe I wouldn't have to keep asking…"

"And I said I'd answer your questions later, and-"

"Well, well, well. I see you're finally back. Do I really want to know what that crashing noise was all about fifteen minutes ago, or should I not bother to ask, either?"

The trio turned around to face the new voice as Hojo stepped out from behind a panel of test tubes full of Reno-didn't-want-to-know-what. Reno smirked. "That 'crashing noise' was us being thorough." He patted his jacket pocket with a smug expression. "We found it, by the way."

"So I see. What are you going to do with it now?"

"Told you before. Destroy it."

"Now?"

"Perhaps."

"You're very cryptic for a narrow minded Turk, aren't you?"

"Perhaps."

"Ha. All right, Turk. Just make sure you remember our deal. I won't tell if you won't."

"Agreed."

And with that the crazy scientist melted back into the confines of his experiments. Reno heard a gasp from behind him and looked back at Elena, who was looking cautiously around at their surroundings for what looked like the first time.

"We're… in Hojo's _lab_!"

"Yep. It's connected directly to the Broadcasting Studio."

"B-but-"

Reno laughed as they made their way out of the lab's door. "Calm down, Elena. The crazy old coot won't hurt you."

They reached the corridor without mishap, and as they left the final vicinity of the labs Reno felt himself looking unconsciously around for the two men they'd knocked out earlier. The chair that had been right beside them was still there, but the bodies were gone. Reno frowned. It was beginning to look like the duo of guards had gone to tell tales. He shrugged, realising they couldn't have gotten far. He didn't know about Rude, but he'd hit the poor bastard he'd taken on pretty hard.

When they reached the next bend in the hallway, however, he was saved from having to worry about tying up loose ends as he spotted who he recognised as the two guards they'd dealt with earlier talking to another two a short ways down the hall. He ducked back around the corner with a wince, and leaned against the wall, knowing that he was lucky to not have been spotted.

"Shit," he whispered, watching as Rude took a quick glance around the corner as well.

"What do you want to do?"

"Hit 'em again?" And this time he couldn't keep the unconscious eagerness out of his voice.

Rude fixed Reno with an appraising stare. "You really are missing work."

Reno muttered something unintelligible under his breath before reaching for his nightstick at his side. "Ready?" he finally asked.

"Ready."

"Ready."

Reno looked over to Elena dubiously.

"What?" she asked defensively.

"You are not coming with us. You are going to stay behind this wall and _not_ get hurt."

"But-"

"No buts!" Reno hissed quietly, a reminder for them all to keep their voices down. "You're already bloody-well concussed, and we don't want you to get yourself hurt again. Tseng will have our hides if you get hurt so soon - _again_. And besides, I am _not_ going to end up carrying you home. I remember how heavy you were from the last time we went to the pub."

Elena's eyes narrowed, and she crossed her arms across her chest. The glower she aimed at Reno would have been perfect, but for the sudden wave of dizziness that knocked her off her feet. She ended up being helped with a strong arm to her elbow as she sunk to the floor, along with the remains of her dignity. 

"Crap," she muttered as Reno looked down at her, mildy amused. 

"See?"

"Bah humbug," she replied hastily through the filmy confines of her splitting headache. Her arms remained crossed against her chest. "You're just selfish."

"Selfish?" Reno sputtered. "How the hell do you get that?"

"Simple. Rude's right. You've been off work for longer than you can bear, and you're just itching to knock somebody off."

Reno was about to say something, but a rare event chose that moment to occur; Rude cut him to the chase.

"She's right."

Reno scowled. "Will you stop siding with the concussed psychopath? She is _not_ going out there!"

Elena, feeling suddenly very put-out, poked out her tongue. "So you're just going to leave me here with nothing to do?"

Reno rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said simply. He shrugged off his jacket and handed it to her, watching as the blonde stared at it strangely. "Guard this. That should give you something to do."

"Guard your jacket," she stated bluntly. "Why?"

"It has the tape in it, you dolt. Happy now?"

"No. You're still injured, and you get to fight."

"It's not my head that's injured."

"… That's debatable."

"None of this is helping you, you know," Reno replied, turning to Rude. "You ready?"

"What did I say last time?"

"All right, all right." Reno glanced back at Elena. "Don't do anything stupid while we're gone."

"Like what?" she retorted bluntly, but by the time she had the words out they had already left, leaving her alone to wonder what madness had left her sitting alone in a Shinra hallway after midnight, protecting a video tape that's name sounded like a preschooler's favourite programme.

* * * * *

Reno ducked the punch aimed for his head, silently marvelling at the uncoordination of the common Shinra guard. Even injured as he was, the first man have proven easy to dispose of, and this guy was only slightly harder. He grinned as the man tipped forward slightly, overcompensating the distribution of his weight for the punch as he stumbled forward onto the balls of his feet. The split-second delay it took him to regain his balance was all the time Reno needed to aim a quick punch to his rather protruding gut. The man reeled back, winded, but far from out to the count. Realising that the amount of padding the guard had in said area was no doubt compensating for his stubbornness in remaining upright, Reno feinted to the left, then aimed a quick strike to the man's head.

The move, though somewhat obvious to the trained eye, proved to be too much for the stalwart heavyweight. Satisfied, Reno took a step backward as, eyes wide, the blue-clad guard slumped to the ground, out cold. With a final nod he summoned one last spell over all four of the unconscious men, and stepped back. Sleep spells, after all, as well as keeping someone unconscious for longer, were notoriously convenient for erasing short term memories.

"About time," came a dull voice from beside him.

Reno looked up, ignoring the twinge of his recently materia-healed arm as it throbbed slightly from that last shot. Rude was leaning casually against a wall, the other two guards slumped at his feet. From the way they were lying, it looked as if the bald Turk had simply knocked their head together and left it at that.

"Not quite up to par yet, Reno?"

"I was toying with them," Reno replied somewhat defensively, though he was grinning from ear to ear.

Rude's look was one of vague amusement, though he held any comments to himself. Reno was far from fully healed. Instead, he shrugged, and looked back in the direction where they'd left Elena. It was then he noticed the thick black smoke coiling in the air beyond around the corner.

"What the fuck is going on?" Reno snapped as he followed Rude's gaze. "If I get around that corner and find she's spontaneously combusted or something, then she's in deep shit. How the hell could she get into trouble in under five minutes!"

"… You always seem to be able to do it."

Reno ignored the glib comment.

Unable to do anything where they currently stood, they bolted around the corner, dreading what they would find.

* * * * *

Elena had no idea how much time had gone by, but she was very quickly growing bored. Practically forbidden by Reno to fight, she was far from happy, and sulking right now seemed like a very appropriate thing to do. Her arms still crossed over her chest, she had stayed true to her word and not moved so much as an inch. However, curiosity was quickly getting the better of her.

Elena eyed Reno's crumpled jacket on her lap with puzzlement. Whatever had motivated them to sneak into the Shinra Headquarters after hours and steal a stupid ad - which she frankly couldn't see what all the fuss was over - was completely beyond her. While explaining things to her, Rude had mentioned something about destroying it. Why, again, she didn't know, but the more she thought about it, the words 'sunshine and lollypops' seemed to bring her a deep-down feeling of apprehension, although she remembered nothing of the earlier events.

Another thing that confused her was why, if Reno and Rude said they were going to destroy it, they hadn't done so yet. Surely it made more sense to simply smash the cassette and chuck it onto the pile of trash where she'd woken up? Or, simply burn it? If copies were what Reno was so worried about, then that was easily enough remedied. Hell, she made a habit of carrying a Fire Materia with her wherever she went, in case she was ever overwhelmed and in need of some quick self-defence. 

After all, with all that had apparently occurred, what would happen if they were caught leaving with the tape? Tseng, she imagined, would be far from happy. So wasn't it simply better to destroy it sooner, rather than later?

Elena cocked her head to the side as she uncrossed her arms and examined the jacket more closely, pulling out the tape when she located it in one of the inside pockets. Mulling quietly over the label again, she bit her lip. She had her Fire Materia on her right now. She could destroy the tape by the time Reno and Rude were done. That was easy enough, wasn't it? And it didn't waste any time; summoning a spell was simple enough.

__

Invalid, my ass, she thought. Reaching into her own jacket pocket, Elena pulled out the small orb of materia and placed it in her palm thoughtfully. The idea had merit, and this way she wouldn't get caught so easily for whatever crazy ideas Reno had decided to drag her along for this time.

Her mind made up, Elena placed the cassette on the linoleum floor and stood well back somewhat shakily, and summoned the Fire spell.

Later, she would blame the dumb idea on her concussion, not to mention her rather frayed nerves. It was the concussion, after all, that made her forget about the rancid smell of burning plastic, and the amount of excess soot it produced. It was the concussion that made her forget that most corporate buildings were installed with smoke alarms. And, it was the concussion that, consequently, made her forget about the sprinklers…

Yeah, that was it.

* * * * *

__

Okay, another chapter up, and the ending just as random as the first. Feel free to tell me what you think! Only one more chapter to go… ^_^


	3. Dress Ups

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Drunken Missions,

By Ealinesse.

__________

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DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of the Final Fantasy series - characters, items, ideas, nothing. I do not claim to. I bet when it all comes down to it, I don't even own that lousy video tape…

****

Summary: You ever wondered why the Turks couldn't defeat Avalanche? They can't even infiltrate their own headquarters for one lousy video tape without the world crumbling down around them. Literally.

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Warnings: Language, Attempted Humour, Periodic OOC, Random Points of Absolute Madness... (did I mention attempted humour?)

* * * * * * * * * *

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Chapter Three (of three).

* * * * * * * * * *

Reno rushed around the corner in a blind rage, expecting to see any number of strange things explaining the choking smoke. Behind him, he could hear the heavy breathing of his partner in crime, Rude, as he followed closely with him, anxiety written clearly in the lines on his face. As they skidded to a halt around the bend, Reno let his eyes widen of their own accord as he took in the wholly unexpected sight.

"_What_ are you _doing_!"

Elena looked up from the smouldering pile of molten linoleum and plastic, a benign sort of smile fixed onto her face. Even from the couple-or-so metres he stood away from her, Reno could see how her eyes were slightly glazed, complexion a little pale. He personally knew that concussion could be as infamous as alcohol in temporarily altering a person's persona, but this was _definitely_ pushing the line.

"Elena?" he tried.

"Destroying the tape," the blonde replied, and it seemed to him as if to her it was, at that moment, the most reasonable-sounding thing in the world. 

Reno felt that if his eyes opened any wider, his eyeballs would fall out. "In here?" he asked slowly. "In a Shinra lobby, where there are _smoke detectors_, and _guards_, and _sprinklers_!"

Elena's expression quickly changed from one of satisfaction to comprehension. "Oh," was all she said, but it was more than enough to convince Reno that she was definitely not in her right mind. It wasn't often that Elena didn't have something to say for herself.

"What were you thinking!"

A deep crimson blush swept onto the blonde's face as she scuffed her toe nervously on the ground like a scolded child. "Well… I guess I kind of… wasn't."

"Obviously."

Elea's face gained a childishly hopeful expression, far from the dignified woman that she liked to portray herself to be. Reno chalked that one up to the concussion, too.

"But if the alarms haven't gone off already, then there's a good chance they won't, right?"

Reno sighed and rubbed a weary hand across his face. He was about to say something entirely sarcastic, and no the slightest bit optimistic, when a painfully familiar ringing sound made him jump. His heart doing overtime in his chest at the fright, Reno looked up and around the corridor, trying to spot the offending alarm. Rude, apparently, bet him to it.

A loud bang accompanied by the solid jingle of metal reverberating off metal rang throughout the long, empty hallway. Reno turned to his partner, and eyed the gun in his hand appraisingly. 

"Nice shot."

Rude shrugged. "…"

However, Reno's elation at the silenced alarm didn't last long. Somewhere off in the distance another alarm began to chime, then another, and another, until a whole chorus of them were ringing, Reno had little doubt, throughout the entire building. He muttered some very not-nice words before turning back to the other Turks. "Are you happy now, Elena?"

Elena visibly winced. "Oops."

Reno snickered. "Oops is right." He cast a quick glance around the empty hallway before turning back to the smouldering pile of rubble on the ground. "Is that still going, or is it just smoking?"

Elena made a show of kneeling beside the rather obtrusive smudge on the floor, though Reno doubted she could actually see anything but a blur. "Uh…"

"No," Rude cut in. "It's merely hot."

"Good," Reno replied. "Last thing we need is to have the entire place burn down just because Elena got a little trigger-happy with the Fire Materia and went pyro on our ass."

Elena snorted, oddly enough, but otherwise there was no outward reaction to the comment.

"Jeez… tough crowd these days, huh, Reno? Was he this stiff when he had hair? You know, Rude, premature balding is-"

"Eh heh… Elena," Reno warned in a sing-song voice, seeing Rude's eyebrows begin to draw together. "_Not_ a good time to ask about that, really…" Reno looked at his partner, watching with idle anxiety the telltale signs of him getting really mad. He winced. Rude was only sensitive to two subjects: beer, and his hair. Elena had just been stupid enough to trigger the worst one. He leaned in toward Elena as Rude watched on coldly, and whispered, "I know you're concussed, okay? But from now on, if you think of something like that to say again… just, well… don't fuckin' say it. We've got enough things to worry about without wondering whether ol' Rude here is going to try and break our necks."

When he received no confirmation that the blonde had even heard him, he looked up at her. "Elena?" he asked. "Elena?" She didn't answer. He scowled, and as he looked into her eyes fro a second time, he realised why. He turned to Rude, who for all intents and purposes seemed to be glaring daggers at Elena, though it wasn't really working. Probably due to the dark, mirrored sunglasses covering his eyes.

"Oh, for Chrissake," Reno muttered, and reached up and swiped the sunglasses from Rude's face, revealing a glare of cold brown eyes. When he heard the expected gasp from Elena, he replaced the glasses to their previous resting spot as Rude merely continued to stand there. He stepped away from Rude and scowled. "Right. Now that you've had your chance to glare, and you've had your chance to crap your pants," he said to them both, "can we consider the issue a moot point? I do _not_ want to be here when the entire Shinra guard arrive to find out what's going on, and have to explain all of this," he swept an arm around in the air, "to them."

As if by magic, the two seemed to come out of their red haze. Rude broke off the glare first, and began to walk away down the corridor, whereas Elena stood there for a few more moments before following quite a distance behind. Watching them leave, Reno shook his head and started down the corridor also. "Like a fucking dysfunctional family, we are," he murmured. "Can't bloody take us anywhere…"

* * * * *

If someone was speaking to him, he'd never know. If someone came up and fairly yelled in his ear as loud as they could, he'd never know. In fact, the only reason he knew that Elena was speaking to him was because each supposed word was punctuated by a finger being jabbed at his shoulder. Every now and then the blonde would point emphatically at the elevator doors they were now standing right beside. She looked angry. He safely assumed she was wondering all of a sudden why the elevator doors were locked.

Reno rolled his eyes emphatically, did some yelling and pointing of his own, then stomped his foot. Elena, he saw quickly, yelled back just as fast. He didn't hear a single word she said; hell, he hadn't even heard what he'd said. He sighed, basic communication skills down to a minimum as the chorus of alarms ringing in the sixty-first floor's lobby drowned out everything they were saying. He frowned, realising that to get his point across he was going to have to keep it plain and simple.

He rose to the occasion and indulged; he ripped the fingers at the furious blonde.

The next thing Reno knew Elena was diving at him, fists in the air, ready to pounce. At least, that was before he felt a rough hand grab at his collar, saw another equally large hand grab at Elena's, and felt himself being dragged by the scruff of the neck across the floor.

Suddenly, all went dark, then light again just as quickly, and he was none-too gently let go. Reno blinked, looked up at Rude, around at their surroundings briefly, then turned back to Rude. He made a point of ignoring Elena completely. "Oh-kay," he said slowly, realising gladly at once that the extent of the alarms didn't quite reach this far. Suddenly, it was possible to think again, as well as speak. "Would you like to tell me why in the hell you just chucked us into a janitor's cupboard, or shall I leave that open to a rather embarrassing interpretation for you?"

Rude, whose expression hadn't lightened since Elena's earlier comments, shrugged. "Thought you might like to know that there were guards coming."

Elena's face paled. "Did they see us?"

"No."

"We're safe, then?"

"We can't leave this cupboard without them spotting us."

"Great," muttered Elena. "I see Reno's gotten us into another fine mess-"

"It wasn't me who decided it would be fun to play hide-and-go-seek with a couple-hundred Shinra guards, rookie!" Reno, who knew Elena couldn't remember the fuss she had kicked up before about even leaving his apartment, smirked. "And besides, you didn't have to come."

This silenced the blonde, and Reno's smug expression deepened. Their twin glares were both interrupted by the sight of Rude removing his shirt. Reno merely donned a puzzled expression, but Elena's face dissolved into a deep red blush as her eyes stuck on the bald Turk's heavily muscled torso.

Reno shook his head. "You know, buddy, you're only giving me fuel for the fire here for as to why you dragged Elena nd I into this cupboard. At the rate you're going, I won't even have to make anything up…"

Rude scowled. "Disguises are necessary to get us out of this place. Here," Rude, from somewhere in the cramped confines of the cleaning cupboard, had managed to procure a handful of janitorial coveralls. "Put these on."

Reno stared at he uniforms with a blank expression for a few moments. Any joy he should have felt at the rather impromptu destruction of the bullshit tape was quickly extinguished. This had quickly changed from a merely fun excursion, into a mission of the utmost stealth and survival, and he was damned if he was going to get caught out now. He felt a slow grin from across in face; this was definitely warming him up to get back into the swing of things. What was one more challenge?

"All right," he said finally, snatching a uniform from the pile in Rude's hand, and indicating for Elena to do the same. "If that's what it takes for us to get out of here." He noticed that Elena didn't look too happy about the arrangement, but apart from a few comments on the smell, she stayed silent.

Five minutes later, three Turks-turned-janitors were fully dressed in the appropriate cleaning ensemble, a roughly patched duffle bag by their feet holding their discarded Turk uniforms. Reno picked up the sack and threw it carelessly over his shoulder, looking reprovingly at his partners - Rude especially. "Isn't there a larger pair of pants?" he asked after a moment. "If I look close enough, I can see your fucking ankles." When Rude shook his head, Reno merely lifted an eyebrow. He was about to recommend a solution to the problem, when Elena spoke up beside them.

"Reno, why the hell were the elevators locked when we tried to get into the?"

"Reno bit his lip. He'd forgotten about that bit. "The smoke alarms," he answered shortly. "They have an electronic uplink to the elevators and the sprinklers on each floor. If there's a fire, the smoke alarms are set off, and so the elevators are shut down to prevent damage to both the lifts, and people should someone get stuck in one. High-level codes will get us into them, but…"

"Then why don't we enter ours in? Surely Turk codes would be enough to get us access to them?"

"Not unless we want to alert the entire office that we're here."

Elena frowned in confusion. "Haven't we done that anyway? Scarlett and Hojo have seen us, by the looks of things, those guards have… and surely there are cameras!"

Reno grinned, shaking his head. "Scarlett and Hojo won't tell - or else I'll enlighten Rufus as to why they're here so late, as well. And as for cameras… do you really think Scarlett and Heidegger want evidence that they've been, uh, exploring their differences in the building?"

Elena paled. "But-"

"The cameras go off at night, Elena. End of story."

"How do you know all of this?"

"He's snuck in a few times before, himself," Rude interjected. "Don't ask why. I'm not going to tell you."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Elena muttered. "So we can't go in the elevators, otherwise it'll record that we were the ones that overrode the system?"

"Or the front door."

"What! How are we supposed to get out?"

"At the moment it will be restricted access only, especially with those alarms going off. If we go right up to the front entry door, or any other on the ground, use our Turk codes while we're wearing this - or at all - we'll be checked out. No, we go to our offices first, and then see what's going on. We'll have a better view of what's going on from out windows, anyway."

Elena rubbed a hand over her face. "So if we can't go down the elevators, and we can't exit through the ground floor's doors, then how else are we supposed to get back to your place? We may have a car hidden in the nearby park, but it's no use to us if we can't even get out of the building!"

Oddly enough, after a short silence, it was Rude who answered this. "The stairs," he said simply, but to Elena those two words were enough to make her eyes fairly pop out of her head. "They don't require a code."

"The _what_!"

"The stairs," Reno repeated. "You know, the things you walk up or down to-"

__

"I know what stairs are!"

"Well then-"

"But there's fifty-seven floors of stairs to descend to even get to our offices, let alone the bottom floor!"

Reno smirked. "Very clever. Did basic math come under the same subscription as 'how to attract over three hundred Shinra guards in five seconds' in your rather brief Turk training, or did you just improvise when you got to that part?" His only answer was a dull murmur of curses. He snorted. "You're going to _what_?" he exclaimed in mock-innocence. "But, Elena, I don't have a mother…"

__

"I _know that_!"

"Then why-"

"Shut up! Shut up! _Shut up_!"

Reno allowed his face an expression of abject horror before leaning over and patting the blonde Turk comfortingly on the shoulder. "It's okay, Elena," he said. "You may see three of me right now, but you don't have to say it once to each head." And he walked straight passed her to the door and turned the handle, knowing that if the situation called for it Rude would do the restraining.

"I'm gonna kill him," he heard from behind him, and the beginnings of his hidden grin only widened.

"Take a number and get in line, 'Laney," he retorted before peeking out into the sixty-first floor's lobby again, bag draped effortlessly over his shoulder. When he saw the coast was clear, he left the cupboard. Some days being an asshole with arsenic for a tongue was so much fun…

* * * * *

… And then again, sometimes it wasn't. Reno took the next step with decreasing enthusiasm as the bag grew ever-heavier, the alarms ever-louder, and his patience ever-thinner. He was seriously beginning to think that this whole thing had been a very bad idea, and he found that strange in itself. It wasn't often he was punished for destroying something like _that_ abomination. But then again, it wasn't often he infiltrated his own headquarters for said abomination, either.

Reno looked up at the doorway as they reached another landing. They'd only just reached the top of the fifty-eighth floor, and he was already screwed. _And_ he'd been stupid enough to begin a count. Forty steps in between each floor, and fifty-four floors to go. Reno sighed, doing some quick calculations in his head. Forty multiplied by fifty-four was, well… _lots_, his semi-sober brain informed him imperiously. 

He looked at his watch. 4:24 am. Shit. He was already at Shinra, but by the looks of things, the rate they were walking they were still going to be late…

"Great," he muttered, again unable to hear anything over the noise of the continuous clanging of the alarms. "You know what would also be good? I am just _waiting_ for the fucking sprinklers to go on."

Rude, who must have seen Reno's lips moving, looked at his questioningly. 

"Nothing," he yelled over the din. "Nothing!"

Exactly three minutes and two seconds later, another four-and-a-half floors down, the sprinklers indulged in his earlier ministrations.

Reno felt his previously calm acceptance go right out the window. This wasn't going according to plan. Right now he was supposed to be sitting quite happily at home, nursing a nice, cold beer in his hands. Yet so far tonight, he'd broken into his own office, been visually assaulted by sunshine and lollypops, not to mention Scarletts growing ass, been attacked by a hoard of falling cassette tapes, been branded by one of them, had an attempt on his life by his trainee, stripped down and roleplayed a janitor with his partner and said trainee, and embarked on what was probably the biggest-ever fitness routine of his life. _Of course_, he thought sardonically,_ why not add death by hypothermia or drowning into the mix, and see where it takes me._

His two partners, it seemed, shared his sentiments, and though Rude seemed outwardly unaffected by the chill of the suddenly heavy artificial downpour, Reno could tell he was getting annoyed. _And fair enough, too,_ he thought._ It must be annoying to have to wipe at your glasses like that every five seconds. Too bad he's so dependant on them_, he snickered.

Elena's response to the sprinkler's was more forthcoming, her blame neatly placed even though she had been the one to cause this particular upset. Reno watched as, nostrils flaring, Elena dived for him in what must have been her third attempt to kill him that night. However, it was far from third-time's-a-charm as the blonde's swing went wide, and Reno sidestepped the attack, leaving her to recover for herself.

He expected her to stop when she didn't make contact, expected her to stumble a little at the very least. What he hadn't expected, though, was for her to go barrelling down the remaining stairs to the next landing.

Reno couldn't help a brief shout of startlement as he watched, in almost slow motion, the blonde slip on the suddenly water-slick concrete. As her feet slipped out from underneath her, Elena landed squarely on her backside before gravity finally took hold and sent her tumbling to the base of the steps. When it was finally over, Reno looked back at Rude, who sent him a look that clearly said '_I thought you had her'_, before bolting to meet up with the fallen Turk.

Reno skidded to a halt beside Elena and crouched carefully on the sodden concrete. When she didn't move at his arrival, he quickly reached for her neck and felt for a pulse; it was strong and steady, if somewhat accelerated. Satisfied that se was merely unconscious, he watched as Rude also proceeded to look her over. After a moment Rude looked back up at him with a raised eyebrow, and tapped his head ever-so briefly.

"Again?" Reno exclaimed, and leaned down to take a look. "Shit!"

Rude merely nodded, thought Reno seriously doubted what he'd said had been heard.

They sat there for a few minutes, unsure of what to do. Neither particularly relished the idea of carting Elena down the stars. Shortly thereafter, though, hazy chocolate eyes opened and looked up at the two of them, and they looked on as Elena struggled into a sitting position. Her mouth opened and she said something inaudible over all of the racket, but by the way she was looking at them she was asking them something.

Reno shrugged and tapped his ear, pointed at her head, twirled his arms in the air to indicate something rolling, then smacked his own head lightly and pointed at the concrete wall she was leaning against. He watched as Elena seemed to consider this for a moment before saying something else.

"Oh, for…"

Elena shook her head, then tapped her own head lightly, and shrugged.

"Oh," he said. He covered Elena's eyes with one hand for a few seconds before taking it away again. He watched closely, eyeing her pupils as they reacted to the light. He frowned and sat back, lifting a single finger in the air. "How many?"

She seemed to understand, and held up three fingers of her own.

Reno snickered and patted her on the shoulder. "You're all good," he said, and switched his gesture to that of a thumbs-up. He reached out a hand as Rude did the same, and helped her to her rather unsteady feet. "Of course, at the rate you're going, you're gonna be Shinra's first-ever brain-damaged Turk…"

Oddly enough, at that very moment, he was glad of the alarms. If Elena had heard that comment, no matter how incapacitated she currently was, he had little doubt she'd find a way to kick his ass. No one liked to be called accident prone by the one person in the entire building that had the largest number of ACC claims in recorded history.

* * * * *

Progress was a lot slower from that point on. Elena was a lot less steady on her feet, and was depending heavily on the two of them to help her down the stairs. Every now and then the two of them had to stop and readjust her position, or shake her a little to keep her awake. Reno knew how hard it must be for her, thought, despite it all. Hell, they'd been traversing these stairs for just under an hours, and it was now nearly 5:30 am, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his eyes open. 

A short while later, they reached yet another landing, and this time Reno forced out of his mind the monotonous pattern of descending stairs, and looked up. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," he scowled. They were currently on the third floor - he'd miscalculated their destination by one. "Okay, ladies and gentlemen," he said more to himself than the others. "Time to turn around."

Rude looked up, snorted, and helped Reno to swing the unresisting blonde around. "Oops."

Reno stopped dead, not so much at the uncharacteristic statement his partner had made, but that he'd heard it at all. When had the alarms stopped? Leviathan only knew the ringing in his head had yet to cease, never mind the headache that had nothing to do with his hangover…

"When did-"

"About twenty minutes ago."

Reno blinked and resumed walking, ignoring the steady ached of his leaden legs. "Well I'll be… I s'pose it'd be too much to ask for the sprinklers to stop?"

"Hn."

"Figures."

Five minutes later three very bedraggled Turks stepped out into the fourth floor lobby. Reno allowed himself a tenuous smile as he looked over the familiar surroundings, and happily, the door not twenty metres away; gateway to the Turk Offices. He sighed in relief as he noticed the sudden lack of sprinklers - their floor was dry - and though he shuddered at the implications that meant for them in the instance of a fire, and that it was probably one-hundred percent deliberate, he couldn't help the grin that sauntered across his face.

"Home free at last," he muttered, and began to head toward the long-awaited room. There were no guards in sight - they were probably all searching for the source of the alarms - and no one else had clearance to be on this floor this late. The fourth floor was strictly off limits to anyone but the Turks…

"_You_!"

… And _that_ guy.

"Oh fuck," Reno whispered, stopping although all of his instincts were telling him to run for his life. "Oh fuck, fuck, _fuck_!" One of these days, he was going to have to arrange a nice little meeting with this 'Murphy' feller…

"Oi! You three!"

He wasn't going to answer. He wasn't going to-

"Yes?"

Reno forcibly elbowed Elena in the side as she began to turn around. What the hell were they supposed to do? They couldn't run to the Turk Offices; the person that was yelling at them now had access to everything in that area. Hell, he _controlled_ that area, not to mention passed down their orders.

Hoping like hell they wouldn't be recognised in their cleaning uniforms, Reno ducked his head enough that he wouldn't be questioned, and out of the corner of his eye saw the other two do the same. He cleared his throat and adjusted his voice drastically. "Yes, sir?" he asked as the heavy-set man made his way towards them.

He was suddenly glad of the uniforms, and the fact that he'd decided to hide his ponytail in the ugly cap that was a part of the job. He screwed his hands up in the fabric of the bag clasped in his hands, hoping like hell that Heidegger wouldn't notice his trademark-gloved hands. He looked up under the brim of the ridiculous hat as Heidegger stopped before them, also glad that it was part of their status as 'servants' to keep their gaze averted. "Can I help you, sir?"

There came a nervous grunt. "Why, yes, as a matter of fact. I, uh…"

Reno frowned as he peered up at the rotund man, wondering why he was looking so nervous. He noticed that Heidegger, also, was looking at everyone but them.

"Yes?" he said again gruffly, trying to sound every bit the obedient servant, but failing miserably as he noticed the pallid-white sheets dangling limp and crumpled from the man's pudgy hands. Needless to say, his jaw dropped and his eyes chose that moment to fall from his head.

"I…" Heidegger continued," was, err… in the process of… _disposing_ of these sheets when the alarms went off."

Comprehension dawned with a vengeance in Reno's mind. "And you want us to-"

"Dispose of them. You see, it would, uh," Heidegger coughed nervously," not be very fitting for a man in my position to be discovered with something this…"

"Degrading?"

For the second time since this whole thing had started, Reno elbowed Elena in the side. "Stop it!" he hissed through gritted teeth.

Heidegger took a short step forward. "Are you okay?"

Reno bowed low to avoid the scrutiny in those beady eyes. "Fine," he replied quickly. "Just cold, sir. The sprinklers in this building are very persuasive."

"… Right." Heidegger took a hasty step backward, but then seemed to change his mind. He thrust out the dirty sheets in Reno's direction, and coughed again. "Here," he muttered. "Take these for me."

Reno was about to accept, knowing anything short of them would be out of character for his 'class', when a voice spoke up beside him.

"How much will you pay us?"

__

Elbow, do your stuff, Reno thought wryly as the voice registered. _I thought she didn't want to be discovered…_ Reno watched as Heidegger's eyes did what his had only moments before.

__

"What!"

"You heard me. You're in no position to negotiate. I'm sick and tired of having to cover up for your corporate messes. Do you know how hard stains like that are to get out! Do you?"

Flustered, Heidegger paled, then turned beet red. "Y-you want a bribe?"

"You bet your fat behind, we do."

Heidegger stood stock-still for a second, somewhat unsure what to make of the words. When Elena didn't budge, he slowly reached into his pocket, his eyes scanning the immediate area for any guards. Reno smothered a grin. _There may be some hope for her yet…_

However, any pleasant thoughts of his were pushed into the back of his mind as he felt something being shoved into his hands. He nearly choked in revulsion as he eyed the sheets suddenly bunched in his arms. Even the paper notes he felt under the bundle was not enough to stifle his disgust. He screwed up his face under the cap, head still bowed.

Elena, having obviously seen the money change hands, let out a rude snort. "Good, now get out of here you fuckin' weasel!"

Heidegger, not one to hang around when he was liable to be arrested for screwing the office slut, did just that. But not before getting in a few wise words of his own. "I'll catch you for that, you slum rats! Don't think I didn't catch your name tags!"

Reno, not worried about any such thing, looked down, belatedly realising that they did, in fact, have name tags. He grinned at his own. "Todd," he shouted back to the retreating form, holding up two fingers for emphasis. "Two d's, not one!"

There was no reply; Heidegger had already made his great escape. Reno turned to Elena, thanking his lucky stars that at least this time the fat man had been too distracted to look past their rather shallow covers. He raised an eyebrow at her strangely complacent expression, and fumbled for the cash in his hands, rifling through it quickly then double checking it when he was sure he was mistaken. "Four fifty?" he exclaimed after a moment.

Elena's expression turned briefly furious. "What? Only-"

"Four _hundred_ and fifty gil!"

"What…" A slow grin formed across Elena's face. "Jeez, I never thought he'd give us that much!"

"Nope," Reno agreed. "One fifty each. I guess that makes up for the pay Tseng docked from me last week." He started for the door in the distance, Rude already ahead of them.

"You mean for when you spilt coffee over his shirt?"

Reno winced. "No, that's coming off next week's pay. I'm talking about the window."

"The one in our office?"

"… No. Heidegger's."

Elena laughed. "Sucks to be you…"

Reno stopped at the door, where Rude was fumbling through his pocket. He glanced at Elena warily through narrowed eyes. "You are _not_ to get concussed again, understand me?"

"… Why?"

"If I'm not mistaken, you just said the 'sucks'. Not to mention the fact that you seem to turn into an insulting, psychopathic, pyromaniac cur at the most inconvenient of moments."

"So?"

"Might I add that so far tonight you've tried to kill me three times? Despite the regular occurrences around here, Elena, it is _not_ common practise to try and kill you superior officers. And besides, disobeying orders is _my_ gig, not yours. Stick to your own job."

"And what's that?"

"Being the rookie."

"But-"

"Crap."

Reno looked up at Rude, who, despite his size, was looking very much like a lost puppy. "What?"

"You're not going to believe me."

"Try me, tonight has certainly been different."

"…I've lost our only key."

Silence. Then, "_What_!"

If no one had known they were in the building before, then they certainly did now.

* * * * *

Some days were better than others, that was just something you learned when you became a Turk. You got times when you felt like everything was going to go right with the world, when you just knew that a specific case was going to pan out smoothly. You got the times when, one morning, all of your instincts were screaming for you to merely pull the covers back up over your head and stay the hell away from the outside world. And then there were the times when you just knew you should have taken the time for that extra cup of coffee. Today was one of _those_ days.

Tseng stood outside his office door, eyeing the broken handle and matching smashed frame with equal disinterest, his ire carefully buried underneath a visage of absolute calm. However, none of that was explaining why the nervous twitch that had developed over the years into something of a bad habit was kicking in full-force. He felt his cool mask cracking, and before it did so he was going to find out _why_. 

So far this morning he'd been addressed by Heidegger, Rufus, and - Leviathan forbid - Hojo. Each one, surrounded by a mob of annoyingly attentive bodyguards, had taken great pains to carefully explain to him that _something_ had gone wrong last night. He idly wondered whether, since he didn't find the need to talk to any of them much, they considered him mute or dumb. It didn't matter that they'd been in the building that evening and he hadn't, from all the emergency services that had been scattered around the front entrance, he had gathered as much in a mere glance.

And so he'd walked straight passed them, ignoring Heidegger's outbursts as he'd turned and left halfway through what he assumed was a one-hundred percent false story, and up into his office. Unlike them, he had seen the car parked just beyond the Shinra building, cloaked in civilian disguise, which would have been almost flawless but for the personalised plate that stuck out with the same eagerness as a sore thumb. Not to mention the fact that it was even there at all this time of the morning. _No_, he thought. _They may have no idea who was behind all this, but I have the feeling that I do_.

For 'no particular reason', he felt like the answer was just beyond this door.

He shook his head, wondering just how drunk Reno must have been to decide to pull a stunt like this. If he was trying for another one of those damned Guinness World Records, then he didn't want to hear it. The damages last time had been bad enough…

He straightened his back, and squared his shoulders, preparing to walk in. He was stopped short, though, by a raised, high-pitched voice. He prevented the frown that threatened to wash across his face. It was just past 7:00 am, not even Elena should have been here yet. How had Reno managed to drag her along for the ride? He looked contemplatively at the door, gave it a little nudge, and it silently swung open a small ways, revealing the Turk common room that connected all of the offices together. He peered in as much as the two-inch-wide gap would allow him, his ebony eyes unconsciously widening as he took in the sight before him.

If he hadn't known better, he would have thought upon first glance that the three Turks sitting slumped over the large, overstuffed couch had just returned from a tough mission. For lack of a better word, they looked trashed. All three were soaked to the bone, their hair - to those that applied to - was flat and matted to their faces. Reno, who made a habit of wearing his glasses on his head, had covered his vivid eyes with them, probably to hide the bruise that even from his distance Tseng could see blossoming from under the black rims. He looked battered and hungover, and had a weary arm thrown carelessly over the side of the couch. It looked like, for all the world, he was trying to find sleep.

Elena looked much worse. There was a small gash just above her left eyebrow, and she sported a solid black bruise big enough to probably rival even the one Reno was trying to hide. Her eyes were half-lidded, and every now and then would slip closed, only to have someone kick her, nudge her, or otherwise attempt to burst her eardrums. He put two and two together, and assumed she was concussed.

He shifted his gaze to Rude. He looked… well, perhaps Rude was looking the healthiest of all of them, though no less rumpled. That didn't surprise him in the least. What did, however, was that all three were clothed in the rudimentary garb of the janitor. Unbidden, thoughts of Heidegger's earlier, half-assed story sprung to mind, and he lifted his hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. This was going to be a long day.

With a sigh of aggravation at his employees, Tseng spun on his heel and walked back toward the stairs. If he was going to have to deal with this, it was going to be on his terms. And that was _not_ without coffee.

* * * * *

Reno groaned and flung a hand over his eyes, trying to consciously will his throbbing headache to stop. Since they'd broken into their offices not two hours past, Elena hadn't stopped nagging. "For the last time, Elena, you are not going home right now!"

"Why not? I haven't had a shower, I'm soaked through and through, my uniform reeks of smoke, and did I _mention_ that I've been knocked out three times in the past six _hours_! I need some aspirin, some shampoo, and a frickin' hair brush!"

Reno resolutely squared his jaw, the blonde's words working their way into his head as easily as a chainsaw would cut through a pound of butter. He felt a pang of longing in his chest. A shower right about now sounded good, as did a packet of aspirin, though it wasn't worth all of the effort. Even _if_ they got out of the building and passed all of the security, they'd have to be back here in about an hour. 

"And I told you," he replied glibly, "there's no way you'll get out of this building right now with the fucking security the way it is. And need_ I_ mention whose fault that is. Elena. Darling."

"Well whose idea was it in the _first_ place to even come here last night, Reno?"

Reno again took advantage of the fact that Elena still couldn't remember everything. "I didn't bloody force you to come along, you know."

"Yes you did, Reno," Elena replied quickly.

Reno's eyes narrowed and he looked to Rude. "Will you stop filling her in on all the tiny little details!"

"Like the fact that you practically dragged me along?"

Reno sat up with a low groan and crossed his arms across his chest. "I wasn't the one who drove the car here."

"No, but apparently you were walking - albeit in the wrong direction. I just saved your sorry ass from heading to the sector four slums, instead of here."

"… Saved us only to nearly burn the entire fuckin' building down."

Elena's already watery glare weakened. She ducked her head and stood, turning to look out the window, where the heavy amount of unnecessary emergency services could be seen buzzing around below them. "Yeah, well," she muttered. "All I want is a shower, is that too much to ask?"

"Right now, yes. Sorry." His tone indicated that he was everything but. "Besides, how the hell do you intend to get out of here and avoid all the shit that's going on below?"

"I…"

"Oh, wait!" Reno exclaimed in mock-enthusiasm. He idly prodded the sheets at his feet with a booted toe. "Perhaps you could build a parachute with these sheets and sail into the sunrise without being seen! After all, I'm sure Heidegger wouldn't mind - they might be a bit damp, though, and I'm not sure how well they'd work-"

"Shut up! Shut _up_!"

Reno smirked. "What's the matter? Only seeing two heads now?" His only answer was a mumbled string of curses. He shrugged, and was about to reply when the door to their offices swung open. Reno looked up, any complacency gone from his face as he identified the figured. His brain stopped functioning. Now _why_ hadn't he thought to remember that Tseng came in this early?

There came a delicate cough as Tseng entered, walked across the room, and pulled up a spare chair directly in front of them. Reno took in the overly placid look on the Wutaian man's face, and had to hide his wince. Reno knew better than to trust that look. He knew of all the people in the whole of Shinra, Tseng was the one person who could see through almost anything, the one person who could actually look through his 'I'm Innocent' routine, and see straight to the heart of the matter. He also knew that Tseng could be more cunning than the devil; more cunning than him.

"Morning," Reno said slowly, knowing that there had been no preventing this meeting.

"Indeed," was the equally unhurried reply as Tseng placed his arms on his lap. Reno watched as the man took a seemingly careless glance around, though he knew that those eyes rarely missed anything. "Rough night?"

Reno shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but kept his gaze squarely on his boss. "You could say that."

"I could." Tseng focused his gaze on Reno and leaned back in the chair, taking a careless sip of the coffee held in his hands. It was silent for what seemed like ages before he spoke again. "Would any of you three care to tell me why Heidegger is sprouting a story about three janitors assaulting him in the lobby?"

Reno blinked and feigned innocence. "Which lobby?"

Tseng didn't skip a beat. "This one."

"Oh… heh… "

"And would you also care to tell me why he seems to think that he was mugged in that same lobby?"

"_What_!" 

All eyes turned to Elena. 

"Why that lying son of a bitch! That's not what happened at all! He was walking around with… uh… oops…" Elena had the good grace to look sheepish as she downcast her eyes. "My bad."

Reno did wince this time. "We really need to work on your temper, and control of that tongue." He looked back at Tseng, whose expression was still carefully neutral. "Concussed," he whispered with a wink, as if it were some kind of secret from her. "Doesn't quite know what she's saying at the moment."

"Walking around with what, Elena?" Tseng asked, ignoring Reno's furtive glance.

"Uh…" The blonde looked back at Reno, unsure whether to answer.

Reno rubbed a tired hand across his face and decided it would be best to quit the act. "Just tell him, Elena. He probably already knows, anyway. In case you haven't figured out, the man's as cunning as a fox, and twice as smart."

Tseng raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything regarding Reno's comment. It was better to keep them guessing, anyway.

"Well… He was carrying sheets, boss."

"Sheets."

"Yep."

"Why."

"Uh… "

"Heh… take a guess, boss-man," Reno cut in, "why else would he be in the offices that late?"

Tseng merely nodded. "Ah. So there's no truth to his claims, then."

"Not even. He was having his annual late-night romp with Scarlett again, and we caught him red handed, as it were, sheets and all."

"I see. And what were _you_ three doing here?"

Reno grimaced. "Um…I don't think you really want to know…"

Tseng sat forward in his seat and held Reno's gaze for a long moment. "And I _really_ think I do."

Reno let out a long-suffering sigh. "All right, then. But you'll need to refill that cup of coffee."

"I don't think that will be necessary. This is my second cup already today."

The redheaded Turk just shook his head, expression dubious. "It's as I said, you're going to need another cup."

* * * * *

Tseng sat back in his seat, silently contemplating the strange story he'd just heard. If it weren't for the rather guilty expressions on their faces, he wouldn't have believed a word of it. But then again, it was Reno he was talking about, and with Rude those two seemed to get into all sorts of trouble. Apparently, adding Elena into the mix had only made things worse.

He clasped his hands together, willing the caffeine in his system to help him accept the wild retelling of events he'd just sat through. "So let me get this straight," he said after a moment. "You broke into your own headquarters, ransacked the broadcasting studio, and then decided that it would be wise to burn the tape in the corridors without the benefit of proper ventilation. After which, you conned Heidegger into giving you a large sum of money. And all of this was done just to destroy a simple videotape?"

"Err… yes."

"And yet none of this explains why you're dressed in janitor's clothing."

"That's because we had to get out there without being found. It's the only reason Heidegger didn't recognise us."

"I suppose that's why you took the stairs. Otherwise, you would have had your Turk code picked up on, yes?"

"Yes."

"Ah, now that makes more sense."

"It does? Really? Well that's just wonderful. I'm glad you aren't so confused. No, really. I'm _truly_ happy for you. Being understood is just something I _love._"

Tseng ignored Reno's smart comments. He chewed on the story for a moment, then took another glance around at his surroundings. "Quite impressive, really."

"Impressive?" Reno echoed. "Retarded, is more like it."

"_Impressive_, if not regrettable. The janitors are refusing to clean up the mess, and the guards will not go near it."

Reno's eyes widened. He knew where this was going. "You wouldn't-"

"Who kicked the shelf, Reno?"

There came a small, indistinguishable mumble.

"What was that?"

"… I did."

"So whose fault is it?"

"… The crazy fucker that built it. How was I supposed to know how unstable it'd be!"

"Whose _fault_ is it, Reno?"

"… Mine."

"So who should clean it up?"

"The janitors?"

There was a short pause, during which Reno looked up to find a calculating gleam in Tseng's eyes. "Indeed," was the eventual reply.

"Just like that, you're agreeing with me?"

"Yes."

"So the janitors have to clean it up."

"Yes."

"Ha! Poor them."

"Indeed."

Reno recognised the look in Tseng's eyes for what it was, and his own aquamarine eyes widened as the Wutaian man surveyed their garb suggestively. "Oh no… "

"Oh yes."

"But we're not even janitors!"

"You will be if Rufus ever finds out what happened."

"… You mean you're not going to tell him?"

"No, not really. As long as he knows that ad is gone, then business is sorted."

"You've seen it?"

"You could say that."

Reno's eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean? What do you know?"

"You could also say I was with the person who created it."

"… And who was that?"

"Me."

It took a moment to sink in, and Tseng felt it pretty safe to say that none of the three had been prepared for the answer they received. In fact, it looked like they hadn't even expected an answer at all.

"You know," Reno said when he'd regained control of his vocal chords, "I always thought you were always a sensible man, Tseng, if not a little boring. I never knew, however, that you could possibly come up with something that…"

"Sad?" Elena finished for him.

"Exactly," Reno replied, lifting his sunglasses up onto the top of his head so as to reveal the icy glare hidden underneath. The effect was spoiled by the bruise that blackened half of the Turk's face. "The words 'cruel and unusual' spring to mind, you know."

It seemed to Tseng that Reno was being a little too calm. For someone who had just found out his own boss had been the cause of the previous night's hell, he was being strangly… tolerant. Tseng patiently waited for the moment he knew was soon to come. Sure enough, it did.

"You… _monster_!"

Tseng dodged the oddly comic dive as Reno launched at him, and shifted to the left just as Reno went ploughing into the now empty chair. Under the onset of the sudden weight, the old wooden chair fairly shattered, though Reno paid no attention to that little fact as he stumbled to his feet and made another move for the Wutaian Turk. Again, Reno's swing went wide as Tseng moved with the agility of a cat to a spot well out of harms way. Reno, not judging the weight correctly, hit a wall and slid to the ground.

"Are you quite done assuming all of this is my fault?" Tseng asked, realising Reno must have really been tired and hungover to miss quite that badly.

"No," was the sour reply.

Tseng waited patiently for a moment, found another chair, and sat on it. "How about now?"

"… Maybe."

"Better," Tseng replied. "Perhaps I should explain. Rufus and I were having a conversation earlier, and the new marketing contenders were waiting in the hallways as we came out of his office. The president was in one of his more… bitter moods, and I imparted a small few words of Ancient Wutaian wisdom upon him. They overhead, and apparently they took the idea to heart."

The three Turks shared a puzzled look before turning back to their boss, a myriad of expressions warring over their faces. None seemed quite sure of what to say.

"As I said, all of this is quite regrettable, really. If I had perhaps briefed you on today's jobs then none of this would have happened."

"I don't understand," Elena said, holding her head. "How could you have stopped all of this from happening? You couldn't have known we were going to sneak in here and do something like that."

"Well, perhaps I could have told you what you were supposed to do today, and that would definitely have stopped you."

"Why?"

"Because as of this afternoon the campaign is being discontinued."

"It's _what_!"

Reno looked up dully from his position on the floor, hardly believing what he was hearing. "It was being cancelled today?"

"Yes. I was informed the popularity poll decreased dramatically after viewings. You see, it was only a trial run to test out some new possibilities in the marketing sector, it was never a definite. The deciding factor was the message President Rufus left on my answering phone early this morning saying that the trials were to be terminated as soon as possible."

"You're kidding."

"Unfortunately not. And due to the recent lull in activity in the area, you three were to ensure the destruction of the tape. It seems Rufus is about as fond of the idea as you were. He seems to think they got a little carried away."

"A _little?"_

"… Well, enough to anger three trained assassins into sabotaging their own building to destroy it, in any case."

"So… today, then… what are we-"

"You are going to clean up the mess you made."

"But you said you weren't going to tell Rufus!"

"I'm not. You three seem to have found the appropriate janitors uniforms, and I'm sure that in that same cupboard there are brooms, rubbish bags, and dustpans. Barring Reno, I'm sure all of you know how to use them."

"But-"

"No buts. Rufus will be more than satisfied that the tape has been destroyed. If I were you I wouldn't be complaining, things could be a lot worse. Get to the janitor's closet on the same floor you got the uniforms from, and get the necessary equipment to clean the mess up that you three made. I will inform the president that the mess is being dealt with as we speak. Perhaps this will teach you that kicking shelves is never a good thing, and that sometimes a little patience never goes astray."

"Do you have any idea how huge that mess is!" Reno snapped.

"Yes. You are still going to clean it up."

"It'll take us days!" Elena put in as Tseng stood and indicated for them to make for the door. "We'll never get it finished!"

"Look at it this way, it'll give you all something to do, and you've got an early start on the job."

"How is that supposed to make us feel better?" Reno retorted. "Oh, skippy, we get an extra two hours to clean! C'mon Rude, Elena, let us join arms and hurry so we don't miss out on this wonderful opportunity!"

Rude snickered, and stood for the door. Elena followed with a lot less enthusiasm. "Shut up, Reno," she muttered.

They were all halfway out of the door when Tseng stepped out behind them. "Oh, and on second thought, take these sheets with you. I don't want to have to explain that. Have a good day."

With a mumbled reply, Reno stepped back and picked up the sheets when his partners made no move to do so. With only the slightest delay he cast a quick smouldering glance at his boss before catching back up to Rude and Elena, who looked less than happy to be in their current position. "Sunshine and lollypops to you too, boss," he muttered.

"Sun is warm, grass is green," was the unexpected, but obviously amused reply from behind them. "And remember to take the stairs - the elevators still require a code." There came the sound of the door shutting not once, but twice, bouncing back off it's broken catch a few times before falling silent.

As they made their way to the stairs Reno groaned and looked at his partners. They were looking back at him with barely-concealed anger, and he made a mental note to dodge if Elena dove for him again. He offered a nervous laugh. "Heh… telling you you guys didn't have to come along isn't going to work this time, is it?"

"No."

"Definitely not."

Reno winced as they began climbing the water-slick stairs. The sprinklers had turned off a few hours ago, but they were still slippery. It was a pretty fair assumption to say that he hated his life right about now, and he bet that Rude and Elena were thinking the same thing. If only they didn't have to clean up that mess. He was on leave - a desk job until he healed - he wasn't even supposed to be walking for prolonged periods of time. He momentarily wished that the stupid thing had burned down.

And that's when it struck him. A bad idea perhaps, but something a lot more promising than two weeks of cleaning would ever be.

"Elena, do you still have that Fire Materia on you?"

The blonde looked up under drenched bangs and fixed him with a withering glance. "Uh, yeah?"

"What about a Water Materia?"

"… Yes."

"A Wind?"

"… I think so. Why, what are you thinking?"

A feral grin swept across Reno's face as he thought about all the emergency services on the ground floor with nothing to do, and the blonde visibly shuddered. "What say we give them something to _really_ worry about?"

**__**

~FIN

* * * * * * * * * *

__

Well, err…. This chapter was a little longer than all of the others, and I was very tempted to divide it up into four, not three, but I promised three… so, you know. I think perhaps it dragged on a little longer than necessary, but I really needed to get it to a point where I could call it finished. The ending's a little… odd, but oh well. Please, PLEASE tell me what you think? Reviews are oh-so welcome, and I've been trying to get this damned thing finished for ages! Thanks to those who have reviewed so far! Of course, now that this is done I can finally work on my other FFVII fic. Kudos goes to anyone who managed to read through all of this!

Cheers!

~Ealinesse.


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